There's Hope For Our Future

A couple of days ago, I came across a video on facebook and I had to share it with all my friends. I don't think it's a new video, but I hadn't ever seen it before. The video shows a news story about an autistic boy who had served for four years as a manager of his high school's basketball team. As a reward for all his unselfish hard work, the coach had him dress for the last game of the season. No one expected the coach to actually put the boy in the game, but with four minutes left, he motioned for the boy to report in. The fans and the teammates cheered wildly when the boy took the floor. He took a three-point shot: airball. He took another shot, and missed it too. Then he took his third shot, a perfect three-pointer that hit nothing but net. The fans and the team went crazy. But he didn't stop there. He shot and made five more three-pointers before the end of the game, the last coming just before the buzzer. The fans and team got wilder and more excited with each made basket, and when the buzzer sounded, they ran out on the court and hoisted this boy onto their shoulders. Here is the video.

http://www.facebook.com/video/video.php?v=10150373441113934

I admit that the video made me tear up. But my tears were not only tears of joy for what the boy was able to do and what he was able to overcome. My tears were also for all the fans and the teammates. These were people who did not see this boy as disabled. They did not see him as inadequate. They delighted in his joy and were excited to see him succeed. There was no ill will in that gymnasium that night. There was no teasing, no ridicule, no bullying.

This video gives me hope for our future. Hope that we can all learn to live together. Hope that we can learn to accept and love people who are different from us, rather than condemn them. Hope that we can look beyond our differences and view everyone simply as different parts of the body of humanity. Romans 12:4-5 says: "For just as each of us has one body with many members, and these members do not all have the same function, so in Christ we, though many, form one body, and each member belongs to all the others. We have different gifts, according to the grace given to each of us."

I think the younger generations understand this better than many of the older ones do. I realize there are still issues with bullying and discrimination in our schools, but it appears to me that these issues are less prominent than when I was a kid. A far greater percentage of kids today seem to know and accept people that are different than them. Disabled children seem to be less ridiculed today. Different races appear to get along better. Obviously, we're not where we need to be on these and other issues yet, but they appear to me to be progressing.

Some will, no doubt, disagree with me that progress is being made in all of these areas. Others will argue that the change isn't progressing fast enough. That's fair. I'm only stating my opinion based on my experiences.

And in my opinion, there's hope for our future.

Journals as Prayers

(Note: I wrote this journal entry yesterday.)

As I write this, I am flying from Salt Lake City to Indianapolis: the last leg of a series of flights that started over 24 hours ago in Beijing, China. I've had a lot of time on airplanes and in airports on this trip to be able to read. And my mind is swimming with the things I've read. The latest is a book called "Prayer For People Who Can't Sit Still." I bought this book at General Assembly this summer, but haven't taken the time to read it until now. In the book, the author writes about alternative ways to pray besides sitting still and concentrating for extended periods of time.

I have to admit that prayer is a big weakness in my spiritual life. Whenever I try to pray, I find my mind wandering. I can't focus on what I'm wanting to say to God, or on listening to what God has to say to me. I feel guilty. I feel inadequate (which, of course, I am). There have been exceptions to these feelings, though. When I was on my Emmaus Walk, I found myself praying and listening to God several times. I don't really know how long I prayed, but it was for considerable lengths of time. That was the first time I truly realized that God was speaking to me; the first time I truly heard and listened. Since then, though, my prayer life could only be described as pathetic.

One of the books I read this week recommended spending a minimum of 30 minutes each day in prayer. And this book made a point: How can we expect to have a relationship with God if we don't spend time communicating with Him? The author asked what our marriages would be like if we spent as little time communicating with our spouses as we do with God.

So the first method of praying discussed in the "Prayer" book is journaling. As I read the chapter, I started to understand why I sometimes feel compelled to blog. Originally, I thought it was just a way of organizing my thoughts, but now I realize that some of my entries are prayers. This is an exciting realization for me. This is something I can do. This is a way of listening to God's message that I can understand.

As I write this, I'm listening to my ipod on shuffle, and the song "Word of God Speak" by MercyMe just came on:

I'm finding myself at a loss for words
And the funny thing is it's okay
The last thing I need is to be heard
But to hear what You would say

[CHORUS]
Word of God speak
Would You pour down like rain
Washing my eyes to see
Your majesty
To be still and know
That You're in this place
Please let me stay and rest
In Your holiness
Word of God speak

I'm finding myself in the midst of You
Beyond the music, beyond the noise
All that I need is to be with You
And in the quiet hear Your voice

[REPEAT CHORUS 2x]

I'm finding myself at a loss for words
And the funny thing is it's okay

God is speaking to me again. I thank you, God, that you speak to me, and I pray that you'll continue to teach me how to listen to you.

I Want 20/20 Vision

Yesterday, I attended a stewardship seminar on behalf of my church. (I think. They asked me and a couple of other people if any of us could go, and I was the only one to say yes. But no one has said anything about when or if they want me to share what I learned, and I'm not on the finance committee.) At any rate, I learned a few things.

A couple of things that were said really got me to thinking, and not necessarily about stewardship as it relates to the church. First was the discussion about "vision." If you're involved in any kind of organization or business, you are probably aware that the organization should have a mission statement and a vision statement. He said the vision statement outlines how your organization would look if it were, in fact, able to fulfill its mission statement. He said vision statements need to be big, bold, clear and compelling if you want anyone to support your organization. He kept drawing comparisons between vision statements and actual eyesight. He said that he could take off his glasses at home and, although everything was blurry and not very clear, he could navigate sufficiently within his house without them, because he was comfortable in his surroundings. But he couldn't venture out beyond his own small, comfortable, world without clearer vision. If we want to venture out, grow and expand, we need clearer vision.

The second thing that really got me thinking was right at the end of the day. He talked about the old TV show, "This is your life." In the show, a guest would be surprised and friends and family would share stories of the person's life. Yesterday's speaker asked, "What would be said about you if you were on that show?" That made me think:

First, what would be said if they were profiling our church? Would people come on and say that our church had a positive impact on their life? Would they tell a story of a time where we showed compassion, love and understanding, or would it be a story of being judged and made to feel inferior? Would anyone outside of our membership have anything at all to say about our church? Taking that a step further, if our church closed its doors tomorrow, would anyone outside of the current member miss it? Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that the answers for my church are negative. I'm saying, these are thoughts that should always be in our minds and helping to govern how we act as disciples of Jesus Christ. And these thoughts apply for any church, not just the one I belong to.

Second, what would be said about me? Would people have good stories to tell about me, or bad ones? Would I be portrayed as a loving, compassionate person, or a jerk? Would people say I was a positive, upbeat guy, or would they say I was always complaining? Would the stories told about me make it clear that  I strive to live a Christian life, or would I end up looking like a hypocrite? I'm not fishing for compliments here. I'm simply saying that I should constantly evaluate what I'm doing to make sure I'm setting a positive example and leaving behind the right kind of legacy.

Along those lines, I got to thinking... I should have my own mission statement and vision statement. Proverbs 29:18 says, "Where there is no vision, the people perish." I've been looking at my life through my own, blurry, human vision. Has my inadequate human vision kept me from venturing out of my comfort zone, the places I can navigate without having to see what's around me too clearly? Or, have I tried to venture out, only to become lost and on the wrong path because I couldn't see where I was going? 

I realize this is not a new idea, but it's not something I currently have. So, I'm going to start praying and working on my personal mission and vision statements. I'm praying that God will open my eyes (no pun intended) and allow me to see my life through the "corrective lenses" of Jesus Christ.

I want 20/20 vision.

Spiritual or Religious?

Recently, a friend of mine posted a link to an article about Religion vs. Spirituality. Basically, the article (Spiritual but Not Religious? Please Stop Boring Me.) was written by a minister who was irked by people telling her that they were "spiritual but not religious." The article is a bit "snarky" for lack of a better term, but there was a lot of good debate that went on in the comments of my friend's status. It made me think a lot about my own situation.

For years, I would have put myself in the "spiritual but not religious" category. Loren-Paul Caplin, in a different blog post (Religious vs. Spiritual: Semantics or Neurotics?), described spiritual as such: "I just assumed that if I held some personal 'spiritual' belief in, let's just call it, a beyond-our-physical-universe reality (the nature of which won't be discussed here) that includes a very personal conception of humans (and other living things) having an eternal essence that transcends their bodies -- that I'd share enough common ground with devoutly religious people to, well, at least not piss them off." That pretty much describes how I felt. I felt like there was something out there, and I thought that was enough. As long as I acknowledged that there was something beyond me, then I would be alright, right?

Here's the problem, with being "spiritual" without being "religious," at least as it applied to me for 20 years. It was about me and only me. I took comfort in this idea that there was "something" out there beyond me. But I didn't have anything to share with anyone else. What could I tell other people? "Ummm.... Yeah.... I believe there's something beyond us." How does that inspire anyone else to believe? Does it help them develop their own spirituality? I had nothing to share.

Now, though, I have a lot more to share. I have my story of how I came to Christ. I have direction and a path. I know that there's a whole lot more to this than what's in it for me. And I'm eager to share what I feel and know with others. I'm now proudly religious.

On Phones

Today, Alecia and I went to lunch at Cholula's.  While we were eating, we couldn't help but overhear what was being said in the booth next to ours. One woman was reading a text conversation she had had with someone else out loud to her friend. This was a very personal text exchange between her and a guy that I really didn't want to hear. This went on for about 10 minutes, and then this same woman received a phone call. She proceeded to talk on the phone for the rest of the time we were there (probably 15 minutes or more). In fact, when we were paying, I looked back and she was still on the phone. Her friend was sitting there blankly staring out the window. I can't imagine her friend was happy with the whole situation.

Now, I'll admit that I'm a big fan of cell phones and texting and many of you may think that I'm the pot calling the kettle black, but, this situation really made me think. I'm worried about where we're heading as a society. As a parent, I'm especially worried. How many of our kids can't put their phones down long enough to have a decent face to face conversation? How many of them can't even turn it off or ignore it long enough to watch a two hour movie or get a decent night's sleep? What's going to happen when they go looking for jobs and pull out their phone in the middle of their interviews to respond to a text? Are we the ones teaching them this behavior? I, for one, intend to be a little more careful about the example I set. So from now on, if you text me and I don't respond immediately, don't get upset. I'm probably talking to one of my kids.

What a Difference a Year Can Make

Last Saturday, I married the love of my life. As the wedding was drawing closer, I kept thinking back on how much my life had changed in a year. At the time I was a little too busy to put my thoughts into words. As things have settled down (hah!), I wanted to organize my thoughts and put pen to paper, so to speak.

Early in August, 2010, I was just starting to realize that I really liked Alecia and that I wanted to date her. Today, I'm married to her.

Last year, Chris and Cordelia were engaged and living with me. Today, they're happily married and living on their own in Greenfield.

Last year, my house was cluttered, my fence and carport were falling down and my central air wasn't working. Today, the fence & carport are gone. The house is clean and every surface in it has been refinished or repainted. Both bathrooms have been gutted and rebuilt. We have a completely new heating and cooling system and the window in the back of the house that was rotting apart has been replaced. We have plans for a garage, fence, new windows, new kitchen, etc.

Most importantly, last year, I was attending a church, but didn't belong. I believed in God, but didn't know God. Today, I'm a member of First Christian Church. I have given my life to Christ and I'm excited to be involved. We are planning to join our church's mission trip to Swaziland next summer. And Alecia has gone back to school to get her Masters of Divinity from Christian Theological Seminary.

What a difference a year can make!

I choose to love

A disclaimer:  The following post is my opinion only, and in it I use generalizations. By no means am I trying to say that ALL Christians are a certain way, etc.

Something I saw posted today finally solidified some of the thoughts I've had since attending our denomination's General Assembly last week. Basically, the post questioned why it was ok for Christians to use parts of Leviticus to tell homosexuals that they're sinners and abominations, but to ignore other parts of Leviticus, such as passages that say you must not wear garments of two kinds of material or get tattoos. There's quite a bit in there about sacrificing animals as well.

I have friends who are atheists. I suspect that a couple of them are atheists because they've been so despised and alienated by Christians for who they are. They are totally turned off to religion. I've been thinking a lot about these friends over the past week.

I walked away from the church when I was in college. Part of the reason I left was because I was being exposed to a lot of people who judged others. I remember very distinctly that Campus Crusade wanted us to go to Florida for spring break to walk the beaches with bible in hand and "save the sinners." I kept thinking, "Who am I to say that someone is a sinner?" That was one of the things that pushed me over the edge. I walked away and was basically agnostic for twenty years. I wonder what would have happened if I had been told I was an abomination? What if I had been despised, ridiculed, bullied and discriminated against for what I felt in my heart? Would I have gone all the way to atheism? Would I have been convinced that there was absolutely no way there was a God?

I'm new to Christianity. It's true that I was raised in the church, but I only accepted Christ into my heart this year. And maybe I'm ignorant and/or a little naive, but I think our purpose is to introduce people to a personal relationship with Christ, not to judge them. We are on this earth to be personal representatives of a loving God. Jesus said the two greatest commandments were to love the Lord our God with all our heart, mind and soul and to love our neighbors as ourselves.

How many people have we as Christians pushed away from Christ over the years because we judge them? Do we really think that telling people they are sinners and abominations will make them want to know more about Christ? What if we loved people instead? What if we opened our arms and welcomed people into our churches, regardless of their race, economic status, sexual orientation, etc.? Would we be doing the Lord's work then?


My job, as I understand it, is to be a witness for Christ. Can I fulfill that duty by judging and condemning, or should I love my neighbor as myself? It's easy to judge people, and I'm guilty of it quite often myself, but I will do my best to follow Christ's example.

I choose to love.

What Goes Around, Comes Around

I've had lots of thoughts going around my head since we spent last week at the national General Assembly for our denomination (Christian Church, Disciples of Christ). This post, however, has nothing to do with that. I hope to write more about those thoughts in the near future.

As I detailed in an earlier post, Alecia and I won some money at a reverse auction, and that money allowed us to replace the central air in our house, which quit working toward the end of last summer. I wrote how that money was a blessing from God, at a time when we really needed it.

Today, I had the opportunity to pay that blessing forward. Last summer, I had bought a window air conditioner when my central air quit. (It was so close to cooler weather, I didn't want to mess with what I suspected would be an expensive repair.) Additionally, Chris had had a window unit in his bedroom upstairs. This year, both those units have been sitting in closets. Until today. Today, a friend posted on facebook that she was looking for an A/C unit to give to a family in need. The family had five kids and limited financial resources. I offered up our two units (after conferring with Alecia, who, of course, approved). Hopefully now that family will have a little bit of respite from the oppressive heat this week.

I'm not writing about this to toot my own horn, because I didn't really do anything. All I did was recognize an opportunity and a responsibility to continue God's blessing.

I really have three reasons for posting this story. First, I continue to be amazed how God works and the fact that one blessing can have more, unforeseen blessings (by me, at least).

Second, I want to challenge anyone who reads this (including me) to keep their eyes and hearts open to needs that are around them. Look for ways you can help people.  My friend not only recognized the need of this family, but she went out and looked for ways to help them. She deserves credit for the compassionate love she displayed.

Finally, I want to challenge myself to continue to look at the ways God has blessed me and see if He is calling me to pay those blessings forward. After all....

What goes around, comes around.

On Parenting

Last week was a trying one for me as a parent. I won't go into all the details, as they're really unimportant to this post and because sharing too many details will only make things worse.

What I'm really struggling with right now is where to draw the line. How often do we allow our children to push us away and then come back like nothing ever happened? How often do we let them say hurtful things to us and then turn around and say they love us? How often can they think we're doing things out of spite or simply to be mean when they surely must know us well enough by now to know we only act in what we believe is the best interest of our children?

Now, I'm not talking about drawing the line on love. I will always love my children, no matter what. It's more a question of when to use "tough love" for lack of a better term.  When do you reach out to your children and when do you take a step back and make them come to you? When do you stand your ground to try to teach them a life lesson?

I have been praying on this subject all week. I've been trying to relate my parenting issues with how God must have felt with me over the past 40 years. How many times did I turn my back on Him when he reached out to me? How many times did I reject the things He wanted for me, because they didn't agree with what I wanted? I know He never stopped loving me, but were there times He took a step back and said, "You need to take the next step in this relationship?" Or was I just oblivious to Him constantly reaching out to me? I really don't know the answers.

To my mom, I apologize for all the times I thought you were doing things just to be mean, for all the times I said mean things to you and for all the times I turned my back on you. I now understand how your heart must have ached all these years.

To my children (all of them), please understand that I will always love you, that I want nothing but the best possible lives for you and that I will do whatever I can to make that happen. But also understand that I am far from perfect. I have made, and will make, mistakes. There is no instruction manual for parenting. Regardless, though, I have always acted, and will always act, in what I think is your best interest. Even if that involves "tough love" or unpopular decisions. I am also human, and I have feelings. Rejection hurts me just as much as it hurts you.

And to my God and Father, my greatest apologies for all the years I rejected You, for all the sins I have committed and continue to commit and for all the pain I have caused You.

From Him and through Him and to Him are all things

Well... It's been a heck of a week. I flew to India on Monday, spent three days there (two on business and one looking around) and flew home on Saturday.  But that's not really what this blog is about. I'll write another time about my observations about India.

While I was in India, Alecia had the heating and cooling guys come to the house, because our central air conditioning isn't working. The whole furnace and A/C is about 20 years old, and they're telling us we need to replace it. The quotes were ranging between $5,000 and $10,000, depending on how good of system we wanted. Alecia broke this news to me on Friday. We talked a little bit about our options for getting hold of this kind of money, but nothing was looking very promising. It was a pretty depressing conversation.

We also talked about the Chamber of Commerce's annual Cash Bash scheduled for Saturday night.  With Alecia's job, she really needs to go to these kinds of events, because they're good opportunities for her to mingle and talk to people who might end up donating to her health clinic. We had talked about going before and just hadn't committed, because she knew that I would be getting back from India that afternoon and that I might be too tired to go.  I told her that I thought I'd be fine to go and that she ought to go ahead and get a ticket, since she really needed to be there. So she bought a ticket Friday afternoon.

Alecia spent Friday trying to figure out how to get the money for the new furnace. She talked to the bank. She started wondering again whether or not we should really have a reception following our wedding in August. It's hard to justify spending that kind of money on a wedding reception when you don't have heat or air conditioning. When Alecia picked me up at the airport Saturday afternoon, we didn't talk about the issue because it was too depressing, but it was obvious that it was weighing heavily on our thoughts.  As Saturday evening rolled around, we questioned again whether or not we should go to the Cash Bash.  In the end, we decided that we should still go.

The Cash Bash is a reverse raffle.  200 tickets are sold at $200 a piece and the grand prize for the event is $10,000.  The ticket numbers are pulled out of a drum and marked off on a chart.  There are gift baskets and small prizes that are handed out to the 1st, 25th, 50th, 75th, 100th, 125th, 150th and 175th ticket drawn. The last ticket drawn wins the $10,000. We had ticket #50.

As the night progressed, we kept waiting to hear our ticket number called. Before we knew it, 100 tickets had been pulled from the drum and ours wasn't one of them. We started talking about how we thought it would be worse to be eliminated near the end, than to be eliminated early on. I didn't even dare to think we might win. Then they were down to 50 tickets left in the drum. Alecia asked me if we should tell anyone we were still in it, or if that would jinx our chances. She decided to tell her aunt and uncle that we were still in it, because she didn't want them to leave before our number was called.

Then there were 25 tickets left, and ours still hadn't been called. That's when I started to get nervous. Then they fired off fifteen more numbers in rapid succession and our ticket still hadn't been drawn. We were in the final ten! At that point, they told us that the final four tickets would all win something. And they called off six more numbers. We heard, "Fifty..." and Alecia groaned. But then he finished, "Five." Ticket #55 had just been called, not ours! All the sudden, we were in the final four!

At that point, they had the holders of the final four tickets come to the front.  They told us what the four prize packages were (fourth place was a patio set from Walmart, third place was a gift basket, second place was $1,000 and of course, first place was the $10,000). The third place gift basket included two tickets to a Shelby County Players production. At that point, I resigned myself to the fact that we would be winning that gift basket, since the last thing I really needed was free tickets to an SCP play.  They gave us the opportunity to work out a deal with the other final four ticket holders (pooling our chances in exchange for splitting the prize). None of us wanted to deal.

They pulled a ticket.... It wasn't ours. They pulled another ticket... It wasn't ours either! Were we actually one of the final two tickets remaining? Did we actually have a 50/50 chance of winning $10,000 at an event we hadn't even bought a ticket for until the day before and hadn't even decided to really attend until an hour before it started? They pulled the second to last ticket, read the number.... And it wasn't ours! Alecia and I looked at each other and our jaws dropped as we realized we had just won $10,000!

At that point, things became a bit of a blur. People were congratulating us (including the other final four ticket holders, none of whom could have been any more gracious). They were presenting the big check to us. The radio station and the newspaper interviewed Alecia. People kept telling us how happy they were that we won because they knew we were starting our new life together and could really use the money.

A tremendous weight has been lifted from our shoulders. We can get the furnace and air conditioner replaced without feeling guilty about having the wedding.

Since last night, I can't help but think that winning that money was the answer to our prayers. But was it really? A lot of people have congratulated us and told us that "God is good." And truly, He is. I have no doubt about that. And it's certainly within his power to arrange for us to win this money. But would He do that for us? Why? Did we deserve this? Did we deserve it more than all the others who were there last night? Or was it purely chance?

And then I remember, we can't do anything to "deserve" God's grace. In Ephesians 2:8-9, Paul says, "For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast."

Is this money a gift from God? Paul answers the question for me in Romans 11:34-36, "'For who has known the mind of the Lord, or who has been his counselor?' 'Or who has given a gift to him that he might be repaid?' For from him and through him and to him are all things. To him be glory forever. Amen."

I just don't get it

One of my friends linked to an article on facebook today, written by an atheist. The author was complaining about charitable religious groups "exploiting tragedy for 'spiritual' gains" in Japan. He said that many religious groups were going to Japan to hand out aid and (shockingly!) handing out bibles and preaching about Jesus at the same time. He went on to state that these are "public relations stunts" to seek recognition for their good deeds and more donations, of which he says only a small portion goes to help those in need. The rest, presumably, goes to purchase bibles and other "unnecessary" items.

There was a lot wrong with the article. First of all, I would argue that handing out bibles and addressing people's spiritual needs is even more important than addressing their physical needs. After all, our souls are eternal, while are bodies have a limited life. Second, I would argue that the author is totally off-base on the motivations because he can't comprehend a God-led life. Now, as with any religion, there can be abuses. And I'm sure there are some people who are trying to further their own agenda via there affiliation with these charitable groups. But, by and large, I would like to think that the reason these groups would be seeking any public recognition for this charitable work is not to further their own desires, but to further their outreach and to help spread God's word.

Later in the article, he states that what these groups are doing is "immoral and unconscionable." I just had to laugh at that one!

But what I really don't understand is why the guy wrote the article in the first place. He claims to be an atheist, which means he does not believe in God or an afterlife. So why is he so upset about people who do believe in those things? If what we believe in is just nonsense, as he claims, then what is it hurting? Why is he actively trying to turn people away from religion if it means nothing? How's it hurting him?

I just don't get it.

It's Not About Me

I've had a couple of people thank me for being so open and willing to share what I'm going through. Trust me; it's not my choice.

I am not a writer. English was not my favorite subject. Give me numbers to play with, and I'm happy; ask me to write about or share my feelings and I panic. My daughter writes poetry. There have been times where I've read it, handed it back to her and had to say, "I'm sure it's good, but I just don't get it." I've tried. Really I have.

Sure, I got decent grades in English. But it wasn't my passion. But after last weekend, I've been writing up a storm. One person commented that I came back with my hair on fire (which would be a really neat trick!). But I've had my doubts. Would anyone read what I'm writing? Would people think I'm stupid for thinking some of the things I do? Would people think I'm stupid for not realizing some of this stuff earlier? Would I be labeled a "Jesus Freak" and lose friends over it? Would I turn people off by some of the very same actions that used to turn me off?

But then I remembered... I laid my doubts at the foot of the cross last weekend. That included not only my doubts about God, but my doubts about myself. Jesus took the burden of my doubts upon himself. I don't have to worry about them anymore. As long as I trust Him, I have no reason to doubt myself.

So why am I writing all of these notes? Because I am compelled to. God is pushing me to do this. This is his plan for me right now. Is there more to come? I hope so. I hope there will be more messages I can share. And I sincerely pray that something I write will make a difference in someone's life. Not for me. Not for my glory, but for God's.

There's a joke about me in the local theatre community. I get teased and told that "it's always all about me." In this case, though, I can honestly answer...

It's not about me.

God Speaks To Me

Yes, another note. I really need to get some work done, but I feel compelled to write.

A couple of weeks ago, Alecia and I were discussing my upcoming Walk to Emmaus. At one point, she jokingly said something along the lines of, "Don't do or ask anything that's going to embarrass me." I said, "Like, why doesn't God just speak to us directly so we know he exists and don't have to go through all this on faith?" I think her exact words were, "Yeah. Like that."

So, on my three day Walk to Emmaus, I thought a lot about Alecia. I talked a lot about Alecia.  I told my new friends about how she had told me that she thought I should do this walk, and I said that was all I needed to know…. I trusted her and her love for me and I would do it for her, no questions asked. And then the question came to my mind…. Why was I willing to throw myself blindly into a three day long event with no idea what it entailed, trusting Alecia’s love to take care of me, and I couldn’t commit to Christ’s plan for my life and trust Him to lead me where I should be going? Jesus sure wasn’t going to put me on a path that would hurt me any more than Alecia would.

I already mentioned in a previous note about the reference to Romans 12:3-8 and how I ended up looking up these verses and they resonated very deeply with me. What I didn’t mention was that another guy in our group was struggling with some issues. He said something about not feeling like he could witness for Christ because of his past, and Romans 12:3-8 popped into my head again and I immediately pulled out my Bible and read it to him. We had a lengthy discussion about how his past likely made him perfectly suited to witness to people that the rest of us would not be able to reach. He would be able to empathize with them.

Friday night, when I went to bed, I had a song stuck in my head and I could not get rid of it. That happens to me quite a bit lately, and 99% of the time, they’re Christian songs. Friday night’s song was a little ditty that we’re probably all familiar with. It starts like this…. “Jesus loves me, this I know, for the Bible tells me so.” Over and over and over again. And then the questions started running through my mind… “Is it really that simple? Did we learn all we really needed to know to accept Christ back when we were children? Am I making this more complicated than it needs to be?” So what happened? The next morning, after a brief service in the chapel, we headed to breakfast. The music leader asked us to sing a song as we walked from the chapel to the dining hall. I’ll give you three guesses as to what song it he chose, but you’ll only need one. That’s right. I was floored… literally. I couldn’t stand up for several minutes.

There have been many instances like this. I could go on and on. I remember sitting at home a year and a half ago and thinking I should probably start going to church. So what happens? Tiffany Wilson texts me, tells me she’s singing a solo at her church that Sunday, and asks if I’d like to come hear her sing.

I remember sitting in church one of the first weeks after I started going back, and listening to Pastor preach to me. I mean, DIRECTLY TO ME. It was like he had been reading my thoughts. I had goose bumps.

So, as things progressed this weekend, I thought back to the question I had asked Alecia before embarking on this journey, and I realized that God does speak to me, and I can hear Him if I only listen.

And as I’ve been working on this note today, I pulled out a tin of “fish mints” that my future mother-in-law had given me on the way to the Emmaus walk Thursday. They’re mints that are shaped like fish, i.e. the Christian symbol for Jesus Christ. I had opened the tin Thursday evening and eaten a mint, but I hadn’t really looked at it.  For the rest of the weekend and every day since, I faithfully put that tin of mints in my pocket every morning, even though I never ate another one because I was too busy sucking down cough drops and Zicam tablets. I felt compelled to carry it just in case. So this afternoon, when I pulled that tin out to finally get another mint, I noticed for the first time a little banner on the front that said “Bible Verse Inside.” I opened it up, and this was what was printed inside:

“Behold, I stand at the door, and knock: if any man hear my voice, and open the door, I will come in to him, and will sup with him, and he with me.” Revelation 3:20

I looked at the online store that sells these mints. They print 78 different bible verses in these tins. And I just "happened" to get this one. Yup. God speaks to me.

I'm Not Broken

Ok... Here I go again. I just had some thoughts enter my head and I just have to get them written down or I'll never be able to get back to work.

For a very long time, I thought I was broken. I thought there was something seriously wrong with me. I was raised in the church, but I didn't know God. Not on a personal level. People talked about loving God and Jesus and I didn't have a clue what they were talking about. Or at least, I knew I didn't feel the love they were talking about.

So, I went looking for love... And married the first girl that expressed any kind of love towards me... At the ripe old age of 20. There were problems from the start, and it was no surprise when our marriage failed four years later.

I rebounded and jumped into another relationship. I loved her, and I especially loved her children. They became my children, and for that reason, I'll never regret marrying her. But, ultimately, we did not have true love. We did not have a firm foundation to build on. Our past experiences were hugely different. I thought I could fix her problems, and I was needed, and that's where the attraction came from. Ultimately, we separated and divorced.

At that point, I was thoroughly convinced that I was broken. I was a two time loser. I was incapable of experiencing true love: love of and from God, or love of and from a woman. Who would ever want me?

Then I was invited to church, and I felt a strong need to go. I went, and I enjoyed it, and I continued going. But those same old doubts started creeping up. People raised their hands in the air when they sang. People shouted Amen when they heard something that moved them. People were demonstrative with their faith, and it made me uncomfortable. I didn't feel a compulsion to do any of those things. Why not? I was convinced it was because I was broken. I believed in God, but I didn't REALLY believe. If I REALLY believed and were capable of REALLY feeling love, I would feel compelled to do those things, right?

And then there was this woman who liked me.... I just knew I wouldn't be capable of loving her. All kinds of things made me try to keep her at arm's length. We grew up together here in Shelbyville. I didn't want to "settle" for a girl from my hometown. She had three children of her own. I didn't want to go down that route again. I didn't want to confuse caring about her children with loving her. Because of my hang-ups, we had our issues. I hurt her by trying to spare her from the hurt of falling for someone who was broken. Fortunately, she would forgive me each time and come back around.  Finally, I realized that I had feelings for her. I wanted her around. I wanted to talk to her (and it was SO easy to talk to her). SHE wanted to take care of ME. I had never felt this before.  THIS was what true love felt like! I felt like my heart was going to burst. I loved her more than I could ever adequately express and for some reason, she loved me back, but, in the end, I knew I still wasn't complete.

Finally... this weekend. I have a feeling I'll continue to share bits and pieces of what happened to me this weekend, but basically, I came to the realization that God loved me, whether I did or not. God was with me, whether I realized it or not. God created me, and God did not create something that was broken, or couldn't be saved.

A scripture passage was mentioned this weekend and I felt compelled to look it up. Romans 12:3: "For by the grace given to me I say to everyone among you not to think of himself more highly than he ought to think, but to think with sober judgment, each according to the measure of faith that God has assigned."

But I didn't stop there. I read on. Romans 12:4-8: "For as in one body we have many members, and the members do not all have the same function, so we, though many, are one body in Christ, and individually members one of another. Having gifts that differ according to the grace given to us, let us use them: if prophecy, in proportion to our faith; if service, in our serving; the one who teaches, in his teaching; the one who exhorts, in his exhortation; the one who contributes, in generosity; the one who leads, with zeal; the one who does acts of mercy, with cheerfulness."

I returned to Romans 12:3-8 many, many times over the weekend. I finally realized that it was ok to be myself. It was ok not to feel compelled to raise my hands to God while singing. It was ok not to feel compelled to shout Amen during sermons. I have a role to play in God's plan just by being myself and following the path God has planned for me.

I thought a lot about my dad this weekend as well. My dad didn't sing in church. I think he felt like his singing voice was too bad. Or maybe he just didn't like to sing. I never thought to ask him. He wasn't, I don't think, overly demonstrative about his love of Christ (not to imply that he wasn't demonstrative at all). He had a quiet strength of compassion and he lived a Godly life. When he passed, over 800 people came to his viewing and funeral. 800! And those were just the ones who were able to make it. How many more weren't able to come? He touched so many lives that it boggles my mind. And how many lives did those people go on to touch?

God wants to use every one of us. And He's given us all different talents, all of which can be used to further His goals. I finally figured out this weekend to let go of my self doubts. God made me the way I am. He planned a path for my life. It may have taken me 40 years to get on that path (or maybe I was on His path all along?), but I'm here now, and I'm determined to make the most of it. With the love and support of my God, along with the love and support of Alecia, I can do anything! I don't know where God's taking me, but I'm excited to begin! One thing's for sure....

I'm NOT broken!

God is Beyond Good

As is often the case with notes like this, I don't know where to start. It's almost 4 am, and I've been lying awake for well over an hour now. But don't feel bad for me. There's a very good reason I'm awake.

For those who don't know, I attended a spiritual retreat this weekend. Early in our relationship, Alecia told me that she wanted me to attend this retreat. She felt in her heart that it would be a good experience for me. Without hesitation (initially), I said I would do it. I told her I didn't know what it would be like or what would be asked of me, but, if it was important to her, I would do it. I told her I trusted her.

As this weekend drew nearer, I began to worry some. I really didn't know what I was getting into, and it made me nervous. Alecia didn't help much, joking about how we'd all be wearing robes and that, somewhere along the way, I'd have to sacrifice a goat. Jokingly, I said to her one day, "You realize that I'm trusting you, and our entire future together rests on this weekend, don't you?" I had no idea how true that was.

A little background for those who haven't read some of my older notes. About a year and a half ago, after a twenty year absence, I started going back to church. I felt in my heart that it was something I needed to do. People were put in my path to lead me along this journey (Tiffany, Keeley, Del, among others). I wrote at the time that I felt I needed to understand and feel God's love before I could ever find earthly true love. Again, I had no idea how true that was. Just not in the way I expected.

Then, just over six months ago, God spoke to my heart and said, "Hey, stupid! You know that great friend from high school that likes you? Have you ever thought about the fact that, maybe, just maybe, I put her back in your life for a reason? You might want to consider kissing her before it's too late, stupid." (Yes, He kept calling me stupid, just to help drive the message home.)

And I fell in love. Hard. It's been six months like none other in my life. I can honestly say, I'm 40 years old and I had NO idea. None. Nada. (I know, God, I'm a little slow and thick headed in the love department.)

Finally, this weekend. It would be impossible to describe everything that happened to me this weekend, but I'll try to get enough down to make sense. You see, I'd been going to church and I believed, but in my heart I knew that I hadn't accepted Christ. I had doubts. Doubts about scripture. Doubts about myself. Doubts about whether or not I'd ever come to know Christ. As my mom has told me, I'm a thinker, and I think too much. I was waiting for what I call an "Ah hah!" moment. One where God's love would fill me and I would feel compelled to accept Christ. As this weekend approached, I was hoping I'd have that "Ah hah!" moment. (Did I mention that I think too much?)

At one point this weekend, we were offered the opportunity to give our burdens to God. To give away the thing that stood between us and a better relationship with God. I thought to myself, "This is it. The Ah hah! moment." I thought about what I needed to give up (shocker!) and decided to ask God to take my doubts. So I did and..... nothing. No moment, still doubts.

Later that night, we were given the opportunity to dedicate or re-dedicate our lives to Christ. A lot had happened up to that point that I won't go into right now, but I did finally feel that this was something I needed and wanted to do. So I went forward and I told one of the clergy that I wanted to accept Christ and dedicate my life to Him. As we knelt to pray, I thought again, "This is the Ah hah! moment." He asked me if I knew what I was doing (essentially), and we prayed. And...... nothing. I began to think that I had just made a huge mistake and basically lied to God. That I wasn't ready. But, as I was leaving the sanctuary to go get ice cream (because who doesn't want ice cream after being saved?), I realized that I felt lighter. And, as I ate my ice cream with everyone else, I realized I was happy. And calm. And at peace. And loved. As several people said during the course of the weekend, God works in His own time. I don't think He gave me an "Ah hah! moment" because He wanted me to understand that I'm on a journey and have been all my life. The journey doesn't end here with an "Ah hah!" It just kicks into overdrive at this point. I'm looking forward to the ride!

As for some of the things I said earlier, I think God has put Alecia into my life so I could catch a glimpse of how great His love is for me. God granted me true earthly love, so I could comprehend His true love. (I had been expecting it the other way around.) And then, just to kick things up a notch, God turned it around again this weekend and said, "Now that you know My love, you can truly comprehend and appreciate Alecia's love." It's an amazing and overwhelming feeling, and the primary reason I can't sleep right now.

As for our future together.... It does rest on what happened this weekend. We will be building our house upon a firm foundation, upon The Rock, and nothing will be able to tear it down.

I love you, Alecia, more than I will ever be able to adequately express in words or actions. And, try as I will, nothing I will ever give you or do for you will match the love you have shown me or the gift that you gave me by sponsoring me this weekend. You have saved me, so that He could save me.

God is beyond good!