I'm Not Broken

Ok... Here I go again. I just had some thoughts enter my head and I just have to get them written down or I'll never be able to get back to work.

For a very long time, I thought I was broken. I thought there was something seriously wrong with me. I was raised in the church, but I didn't know God. Not on a personal level. People talked about loving God and Jesus and I didn't have a clue what they were talking about. Or at least, I knew I didn't feel the love they were talking about.

So, I went looking for love... And married the first girl that expressed any kind of love towards me... At the ripe old age of 20. There were problems from the start, and it was no surprise when our marriage failed four years later.

I rebounded and jumped into another relationship. I loved her, and I especially loved her children. They became my children, and for that reason, I'll never regret marrying her. But, ultimately, we did not have true love. We did not have a firm foundation to build on. Our past experiences were hugely different. I thought I could fix her problems, and I was needed, and that's where the attraction came from. Ultimately, we separated and divorced.

At that point, I was thoroughly convinced that I was broken. I was a two time loser. I was incapable of experiencing true love: love of and from God, or love of and from a woman. Who would ever want me?

Then I was invited to church, and I felt a strong need to go. I went, and I enjoyed it, and I continued going. But those same old doubts started creeping up. People raised their hands in the air when they sang. People shouted Amen when they heard something that moved them. People were demonstrative with their faith, and it made me uncomfortable. I didn't feel a compulsion to do any of those things. Why not? I was convinced it was because I was broken. I believed in God, but I didn't REALLY believe. If I REALLY believed and were capable of REALLY feeling love, I would feel compelled to do those things, right?

And then there was this woman who liked me.... I just knew I wouldn't be capable of loving her. All kinds of things made me try to keep her at arm's length. We grew up together here in Shelbyville. I didn't want to "settle" for a girl from my hometown. She had three children of her own. I didn't want to go down that route again. I didn't want to confuse caring about her children with loving her. Because of my hang-ups, we had our issues. I hurt her by trying to spare her from the hurt of falling for someone who was broken. Fortunately, she would forgive me each time and come back around.  Finally, I realized that I had feelings for her. I wanted her around. I wanted to talk to her (and it was SO easy to talk to her). SHE wanted to take care of ME. I had never felt this before.  THIS was what true love felt like! I felt like my heart was going to burst. I loved her more than I could ever adequately express and for some reason, she loved me back, but, in the end, I knew I still wasn't complete.

Finally... this weekend. I have a feeling I'll continue to share bits and pieces of what happened to me this weekend, but basically, I came to the realization that God loved me, whether I did or not. God was with me, whether I realized it or not. God created me, and God did not create something that was broken, or couldn't be saved.

A scripture passage was mentioned this weekend and I felt compelled to look it up. Romans 12:3: "For by the grace given to me I say to everyone among you not to think of himself more highly than he ought to think, but to think with sober judgment, each according to the measure of faith that God has assigned."

But I didn't stop there. I read on. Romans 12:4-8: "For as in one body we have many members, and the members do not all have the same function, so we, though many, are one body in Christ, and individually members one of another. Having gifts that differ according to the grace given to us, let us use them: if prophecy, in proportion to our faith; if service, in our serving; the one who teaches, in his teaching; the one who exhorts, in his exhortation; the one who contributes, in generosity; the one who leads, with zeal; the one who does acts of mercy, with cheerfulness."

I returned to Romans 12:3-8 many, many times over the weekend. I finally realized that it was ok to be myself. It was ok not to feel compelled to raise my hands to God while singing. It was ok not to feel compelled to shout Amen during sermons. I have a role to play in God's plan just by being myself and following the path God has planned for me.

I thought a lot about my dad this weekend as well. My dad didn't sing in church. I think he felt like his singing voice was too bad. Or maybe he just didn't like to sing. I never thought to ask him. He wasn't, I don't think, overly demonstrative about his love of Christ (not to imply that he wasn't demonstrative at all). He had a quiet strength of compassion and he lived a Godly life. When he passed, over 800 people came to his viewing and funeral. 800! And those were just the ones who were able to make it. How many more weren't able to come? He touched so many lives that it boggles my mind. And how many lives did those people go on to touch?

God wants to use every one of us. And He's given us all different talents, all of which can be used to further His goals. I finally figured out this weekend to let go of my self doubts. God made me the way I am. He planned a path for my life. It may have taken me 40 years to get on that path (or maybe I was on His path all along?), but I'm here now, and I'm determined to make the most of it. With the love and support of my God, along with the love and support of Alecia, I can do anything! I don't know where God's taking me, but I'm excited to begin! One thing's for sure....

I'm NOT broken!