As is often the case with notes like this, I don't know where to start. It's almost 4 am, and I've been lying awake for well over an hour now. But don't feel bad for me. There's a very good reason I'm awake.
For those who don't know, I attended a spiritual retreat this weekend. Early in our relationship, Alecia told me that she wanted me to attend this retreat. She felt in her heart that it would be a good experience for me. Without hesitation (initially), I said I would do it. I told her I didn't know what it would be like or what would be asked of me, but, if it was important to her, I would do it. I told her I trusted her.
As this weekend drew nearer, I began to worry some. I really didn't know what I was getting into, and it made me nervous. Alecia didn't help much, joking about how we'd all be wearing robes and that, somewhere along the way, I'd have to sacrifice a goat. Jokingly, I said to her one day, "You realize that I'm trusting you, and our entire future together rests on this weekend, don't you?" I had no idea how true that was.
A little background for those who haven't read some of my older notes. About a year and a half ago, after a twenty year absence, I started going back to church. I felt in my heart that it was something I needed to do. People were put in my path to lead me along this journey (Tiffany, Keeley, Del, among others). I wrote at the time that I felt I needed to understand and feel God's love before I could ever find earthly true love. Again, I had no idea how true that was. Just not in the way I expected.
Then, just over six months ago, God spoke to my heart and said, "Hey, stupid! You know that great friend from high school that likes you? Have you ever thought about the fact that, maybe, just maybe, I put her back in your life for a reason? You might want to consider kissing her before it's too late, stupid." (Yes, He kept calling me stupid, just to help drive the message home.)
And I fell in love. Hard. It's been six months like none other in my life. I can honestly say, I'm 40 years old and I had NO idea. None. Nada. (I know, God, I'm a little slow and thick headed in the love department.)
Finally, this weekend. It would be impossible to describe everything that happened to me this weekend, but I'll try to get enough down to make sense. You see, I'd been going to church and I believed, but in my heart I knew that I hadn't accepted Christ. I had doubts. Doubts about scripture. Doubts about myself. Doubts about whether or not I'd ever come to know Christ. As my mom has told me, I'm a thinker, and I think too much. I was waiting for what I call an "Ah hah!" moment. One where God's love would fill me and I would feel compelled to accept Christ. As this weekend approached, I was hoping I'd have that "Ah hah!" moment. (Did I mention that I think too much?)
At one point this weekend, we were offered the opportunity to give our burdens to God. To give away the thing that stood between us and a better relationship with God. I thought to myself, "This is it. The Ah hah! moment." I thought about what I needed to give up (shocker!) and decided to ask God to take my doubts. So I did and..... nothing. No moment, still doubts.
Later that night, we were given the opportunity to dedicate or re-dedicate our lives to Christ. A lot had happened up to that point that I won't go into right now, but I did finally feel that this was something I needed and wanted to do. So I went forward and I told one of the clergy that I wanted to accept Christ and dedicate my life to Him. As we knelt to pray, I thought again, "This is the Ah hah! moment." He asked me if I knew what I was doing (essentially), and we prayed. And...... nothing. I began to think that I had just made a huge mistake and basically lied to God. That I wasn't ready. But, as I was leaving the sanctuary to go get ice cream (because who doesn't want ice cream after being saved?), I realized that I felt lighter. And, as I ate my ice cream with everyone else, I realized I was happy. And calm. And at peace. And loved. As several people said during the course of the weekend, God works in His own time. I don't think He gave me an "Ah hah! moment" because He wanted me to understand that I'm on a journey and have been all my life. The journey doesn't end here with an "Ah hah!" It just kicks into overdrive at this point. I'm looking forward to the ride!
As for some of the things I said earlier, I think God has put Alecia into my life so I could catch a glimpse of how great His love is for me. God granted me true earthly love, so I could comprehend His true love. (I had been expecting it the other way around.) And then, just to kick things up a notch, God turned it around again this weekend and said, "Now that you know My love, you can truly comprehend and appreciate Alecia's love." It's an amazing and overwhelming feeling, and the primary reason I can't sleep right now.
As for our future together.... It does rest on what happened this weekend. We will be building our house upon a firm foundation, upon The Rock, and nothing will be able to tear it down.
I love you, Alecia, more than I will ever be able to adequately express in words or actions. And, try as I will, nothing I will ever give you or do for you will match the love you have shown me or the gift that you gave me by sponsoring me this weekend. You have saved me, so that He could save me.
God is beyond good!
For those who don't know, I attended a spiritual retreat this weekend. Early in our relationship, Alecia told me that she wanted me to attend this retreat. She felt in her heart that it would be a good experience for me. Without hesitation (initially), I said I would do it. I told her I didn't know what it would be like or what would be asked of me, but, if it was important to her, I would do it. I told her I trusted her.
As this weekend drew nearer, I began to worry some. I really didn't know what I was getting into, and it made me nervous. Alecia didn't help much, joking about how we'd all be wearing robes and that, somewhere along the way, I'd have to sacrifice a goat. Jokingly, I said to her one day, "You realize that I'm trusting you, and our entire future together rests on this weekend, don't you?" I had no idea how true that was.
A little background for those who haven't read some of my older notes. About a year and a half ago, after a twenty year absence, I started going back to church. I felt in my heart that it was something I needed to do. People were put in my path to lead me along this journey (Tiffany, Keeley, Del, among others). I wrote at the time that I felt I needed to understand and feel God's love before I could ever find earthly true love. Again, I had no idea how true that was. Just not in the way I expected.
Then, just over six months ago, God spoke to my heart and said, "Hey, stupid! You know that great friend from high school that likes you? Have you ever thought about the fact that, maybe, just maybe, I put her back in your life for a reason? You might want to consider kissing her before it's too late, stupid." (Yes, He kept calling me stupid, just to help drive the message home.)
And I fell in love. Hard. It's been six months like none other in my life. I can honestly say, I'm 40 years old and I had NO idea. None. Nada. (I know, God, I'm a little slow and thick headed in the love department.)
Finally, this weekend. It would be impossible to describe everything that happened to me this weekend, but I'll try to get enough down to make sense. You see, I'd been going to church and I believed, but in my heart I knew that I hadn't accepted Christ. I had doubts. Doubts about scripture. Doubts about myself. Doubts about whether or not I'd ever come to know Christ. As my mom has told me, I'm a thinker, and I think too much. I was waiting for what I call an "Ah hah!" moment. One where God's love would fill me and I would feel compelled to accept Christ. As this weekend approached, I was hoping I'd have that "Ah hah!" moment. (Did I mention that I think too much?)
At one point this weekend, we were offered the opportunity to give our burdens to God. To give away the thing that stood between us and a better relationship with God. I thought to myself, "This is it. The Ah hah! moment." I thought about what I needed to give up (shocker!) and decided to ask God to take my doubts. So I did and..... nothing. No moment, still doubts.
Later that night, we were given the opportunity to dedicate or re-dedicate our lives to Christ. A lot had happened up to that point that I won't go into right now, but I did finally feel that this was something I needed and wanted to do. So I went forward and I told one of the clergy that I wanted to accept Christ and dedicate my life to Him. As we knelt to pray, I thought again, "This is the Ah hah! moment." He asked me if I knew what I was doing (essentially), and we prayed. And...... nothing. I began to think that I had just made a huge mistake and basically lied to God. That I wasn't ready. But, as I was leaving the sanctuary to go get ice cream (because who doesn't want ice cream after being saved?), I realized that I felt lighter. And, as I ate my ice cream with everyone else, I realized I was happy. And calm. And at peace. And loved. As several people said during the course of the weekend, God works in His own time. I don't think He gave me an "Ah hah! moment" because He wanted me to understand that I'm on a journey and have been all my life. The journey doesn't end here with an "Ah hah!" It just kicks into overdrive at this point. I'm looking forward to the ride!
As for some of the things I said earlier, I think God has put Alecia into my life so I could catch a glimpse of how great His love is for me. God granted me true earthly love, so I could comprehend His true love. (I had been expecting it the other way around.) And then, just to kick things up a notch, God turned it around again this weekend and said, "Now that you know My love, you can truly comprehend and appreciate Alecia's love." It's an amazing and overwhelming feeling, and the primary reason I can't sleep right now.
As for our future together.... It does rest on what happened this weekend. We will be building our house upon a firm foundation, upon The Rock, and nothing will be able to tear it down.
I love you, Alecia, more than I will ever be able to adequately express in words or actions. And, try as I will, nothing I will ever give you or do for you will match the love you have shown me or the gift that you gave me by sponsoring me this weekend. You have saved me, so that He could save me.
God is beyond good!
No comments:
Post a Comment