One of my friends linked to an article on facebook today, written by an atheist. The author was complaining about charitable religious groups "exploiting tragedy for 'spiritual' gains" in Japan. He said that many religious groups were going to Japan to hand out aid and (shockingly!) handing out bibles and preaching about Jesus at the same time. He went on to state that these are "public relations stunts" to seek recognition for their good deeds and more donations, of which he says only a small portion goes to help those in need. The rest, presumably, goes to purchase bibles and other "unnecessary" items.
There was a lot wrong with the article. First of all, I would argue that handing out bibles and addressing people's spiritual needs is even more important than addressing their physical needs. After all, our souls are eternal, while are bodies have a limited life. Second, I would argue that the author is totally off-base on the motivations because he can't comprehend a God-led life. Now, as with any religion, there can be abuses. And I'm sure there are some people who are trying to further their own agenda via there affiliation with these charitable groups. But, by and large, I would like to think that the reason these groups would be seeking any public recognition for this charitable work is not to further their own desires, but to further their outreach and to help spread God's word.
Later in the article, he states that what these groups are doing is "immoral and unconscionable." I just had to laugh at that one!
But what I really don't understand is why the guy wrote the article in the first place. He claims to be an atheist, which means he does not believe in God or an afterlife. So why is he so upset about people who do believe in those things? If what we believe in is just nonsense, as he claims, then what is it hurting? Why is he actively trying to turn people away from religion if it means nothing? How's it hurting him?
I just don't get it.
Friday, March 18, 2011
Friday, March 11, 2011
It's Not About Me
I've had a couple of people thank me for being so open and willing to share what I'm going through. Trust me; it's not my choice.
I am not a writer. English was not my favorite subject. Give me numbers to play with, and I'm happy; ask me to write about or share my feelings and I panic. My daughter writes poetry. There have been times where I've read it, handed it back to her and had to say, "I'm sure it's good, but I just don't get it." I've tried. Really I have.
Sure, I got decent grades in English. But it wasn't my passion. But after last weekend, I've been writing up a storm. One person commented that I came back with my hair on fire (which would be a really neat trick!). But I've had my doubts. Would anyone read what I'm writing? Would people think I'm stupid for thinking some of the things I do? Would people think I'm stupid for not realizing some of this stuff earlier? Would I be labeled a "Jesus Freak" and lose friends over it? Would I turn people off by some of the very same actions that used to turn me off?
But then I remembered... I laid my doubts at the foot of the cross last weekend. That included not only my doubts about God, but my doubts about myself. Jesus took the burden of my doubts upon himself. I don't have to worry about them anymore. As long as I trust Him, I have no reason to doubt myself.
So why am I writing all of these notes? Because I am compelled to. God is pushing me to do this. This is his plan for me right now. Is there more to come? I hope so. I hope there will be more messages I can share. And I sincerely pray that something I write will make a difference in someone's life. Not for me. Not for my glory, but for God's.
There's a joke about me in the local theatre community. I get teased and told that "it's always all about me." In this case, though, I can honestly answer...
It's not about me.
I am not a writer. English was not my favorite subject. Give me numbers to play with, and I'm happy; ask me to write about or share my feelings and I panic. My daughter writes poetry. There have been times where I've read it, handed it back to her and had to say, "I'm sure it's good, but I just don't get it." I've tried. Really I have.
Sure, I got decent grades in English. But it wasn't my passion. But after last weekend, I've been writing up a storm. One person commented that I came back with my hair on fire (which would be a really neat trick!). But I've had my doubts. Would anyone read what I'm writing? Would people think I'm stupid for thinking some of the things I do? Would people think I'm stupid for not realizing some of this stuff earlier? Would I be labeled a "Jesus Freak" and lose friends over it? Would I turn people off by some of the very same actions that used to turn me off?
But then I remembered... I laid my doubts at the foot of the cross last weekend. That included not only my doubts about God, but my doubts about myself. Jesus took the burden of my doubts upon himself. I don't have to worry about them anymore. As long as I trust Him, I have no reason to doubt myself.
So why am I writing all of these notes? Because I am compelled to. God is pushing me to do this. This is his plan for me right now. Is there more to come? I hope so. I hope there will be more messages I can share. And I sincerely pray that something I write will make a difference in someone's life. Not for me. Not for my glory, but for God's.
There's a joke about me in the local theatre community. I get teased and told that "it's always all about me." In this case, though, I can honestly answer...
It's not about me.
God Speaks To Me
Yes, another note. I really need to get some work done, but I feel compelled to write.
A couple of weeks ago, Alecia and I were discussing my upcoming Walk to Emmaus. At one point, she jokingly said something along the lines of, "Don't do or ask anything that's going to embarrass me." I said, "Like, why doesn't God just speak to us directly so we know he exists and don't have to go through all this on faith?" I think her exact words were, "Yeah. Like that."
So, on my three day Walk to Emmaus, I thought a lot about Alecia. I talked a lot about Alecia. I told my new friends about how she had told me that she thought I should do this walk, and I said that was all I needed to know…. I trusted her and her love for me and I would do it for her, no questions asked. And then the question came to my mind…. Why was I willing to throw myself blindly into a three day long event with no idea what it entailed, trusting Alecia’s love to take care of me, and I couldn’t commit to Christ’s plan for my life and trust Him to lead me where I should be going? Jesus sure wasn’t going to put me on a path that would hurt me any more than Alecia would.
I already mentioned in a previous note about the reference to Romans 12:3-8 and how I ended up looking up these verses and they resonated very deeply with me. What I didn’t mention was that another guy in our group was struggling with some issues. He said something about not feeling like he could witness for Christ because of his past, and Romans 12:3-8 popped into my head again and I immediately pulled out my Bible and read it to him. We had a lengthy discussion about how his past likely made him perfectly suited to witness to people that the rest of us would not be able to reach. He would be able to empathize with them.
Friday night, when I went to bed, I had a song stuck in my head and I could not get rid of it. That happens to me quite a bit lately, and 99% of the time, they’re Christian songs. Friday night’s song was a little ditty that we’re probably all familiar with. It starts like this…. “Jesus loves me, this I know, for the Bible tells me so.” Over and over and over again. And then the questions started running through my mind… “Is it really that simple? Did we learn all we really needed to know to accept Christ back when we were children? Am I making this more complicated than it needs to be?” So what happened? The next morning, after a brief service in the chapel, we headed to breakfast. The music leader asked us to sing a song as we walked from the chapel to the dining hall. I’ll give you three guesses as to what song it he chose, but you’ll only need one. That’s right. I was floored… literally. I couldn’t stand up for several minutes.
There have been many instances like this. I could go on and on. I remember sitting at home a year and a half ago and thinking I should probably start going to church. So what happens? Tiffany Wilson texts me, tells me she’s singing a solo at her church that Sunday, and asks if I’d like to come hear her sing.
I remember sitting in church one of the first weeks after I started going back, and listening to Pastor preach to me. I mean, DIRECTLY TO ME. It was like he had been reading my thoughts. I had goose bumps.
So, as things progressed this weekend, I thought back to the question I had asked Alecia before embarking on this journey, and I realized that God does speak to me, and I can hear Him if I only listen.
And as I’ve been working on this note today, I pulled out a tin of “fish mints” that my future mother-in-law had given me on the way to the Emmaus walk Thursday. They’re mints that are shaped like fish, i.e. the Christian symbol for Jesus Christ. I had opened the tin Thursday evening and eaten a mint, but I hadn’t really looked at it. For the rest of the weekend and every day since, I faithfully put that tin of mints in my pocket every morning, even though I never ate another one because I was too busy sucking down cough drops and Zicam tablets. I felt compelled to carry it just in case. So this afternoon, when I pulled that tin out to finally get another mint, I noticed for the first time a little banner on the front that said “Bible Verse Inside.” I opened it up, and this was what was printed inside:
“Behold, I stand at the door, and knock: if any man hear my voice, and open the door, I will come in to him, and will sup with him, and he with me.” Revelation 3:20
I looked at the online store that sells these mints. They print 78 different bible verses in these tins. And I just "happened" to get this one. Yup. God speaks to me.
A couple of weeks ago, Alecia and I were discussing my upcoming Walk to Emmaus. At one point, she jokingly said something along the lines of, "Don't do or ask anything that's going to embarrass me." I said, "Like, why doesn't God just speak to us directly so we know he exists and don't have to go through all this on faith?" I think her exact words were, "Yeah. Like that."
So, on my three day Walk to Emmaus, I thought a lot about Alecia. I talked a lot about Alecia. I told my new friends about how she had told me that she thought I should do this walk, and I said that was all I needed to know…. I trusted her and her love for me and I would do it for her, no questions asked. And then the question came to my mind…. Why was I willing to throw myself blindly into a three day long event with no idea what it entailed, trusting Alecia’s love to take care of me, and I couldn’t commit to Christ’s plan for my life and trust Him to lead me where I should be going? Jesus sure wasn’t going to put me on a path that would hurt me any more than Alecia would.
I already mentioned in a previous note about the reference to Romans 12:3-8 and how I ended up looking up these verses and they resonated very deeply with me. What I didn’t mention was that another guy in our group was struggling with some issues. He said something about not feeling like he could witness for Christ because of his past, and Romans 12:3-8 popped into my head again and I immediately pulled out my Bible and read it to him. We had a lengthy discussion about how his past likely made him perfectly suited to witness to people that the rest of us would not be able to reach. He would be able to empathize with them.
Friday night, when I went to bed, I had a song stuck in my head and I could not get rid of it. That happens to me quite a bit lately, and 99% of the time, they’re Christian songs. Friday night’s song was a little ditty that we’re probably all familiar with. It starts like this…. “Jesus loves me, this I know, for the Bible tells me so.” Over and over and over again. And then the questions started running through my mind… “Is it really that simple? Did we learn all we really needed to know to accept Christ back when we were children? Am I making this more complicated than it needs to be?” So what happened? The next morning, after a brief service in the chapel, we headed to breakfast. The music leader asked us to sing a song as we walked from the chapel to the dining hall. I’ll give you three guesses as to what song it he chose, but you’ll only need one. That’s right. I was floored… literally. I couldn’t stand up for several minutes.
There have been many instances like this. I could go on and on. I remember sitting at home a year and a half ago and thinking I should probably start going to church. So what happens? Tiffany Wilson texts me, tells me she’s singing a solo at her church that Sunday, and asks if I’d like to come hear her sing.
I remember sitting in church one of the first weeks after I started going back, and listening to Pastor preach to me. I mean, DIRECTLY TO ME. It was like he had been reading my thoughts. I had goose bumps.
So, as things progressed this weekend, I thought back to the question I had asked Alecia before embarking on this journey, and I realized that God does speak to me, and I can hear Him if I only listen.
And as I’ve been working on this note today, I pulled out a tin of “fish mints” that my future mother-in-law had given me on the way to the Emmaus walk Thursday. They’re mints that are shaped like fish, i.e. the Christian symbol for Jesus Christ. I had opened the tin Thursday evening and eaten a mint, but I hadn’t really looked at it. For the rest of the weekend and every day since, I faithfully put that tin of mints in my pocket every morning, even though I never ate another one because I was too busy sucking down cough drops and Zicam tablets. I felt compelled to carry it just in case. So this afternoon, when I pulled that tin out to finally get another mint, I noticed for the first time a little banner on the front that said “Bible Verse Inside.” I opened it up, and this was what was printed inside:
“Behold, I stand at the door, and knock: if any man hear my voice, and open the door, I will come in to him, and will sup with him, and he with me.” Revelation 3:20
I looked at the online store that sells these mints. They print 78 different bible verses in these tins. And I just "happened" to get this one. Yup. God speaks to me.
I'm Not Broken
Ok... Here I go again. I just had some thoughts enter my head and I just have to get them written down or I'll never be able to get back to work.
For a very long time, I thought I was broken. I thought there was something seriously wrong with me. I was raised in the church, but I didn't know God. Not on a personal level. People talked about loving God and Jesus and I didn't have a clue what they were talking about. Or at least, I knew I didn't feel the love they were talking about.
So, I went looking for love... And married the first girl that expressed any kind of love towards me... At the ripe old age of 20. There were problems from the start, and it was no surprise when our marriage failed four years later.
I rebounded and jumped into another relationship. I loved her, and I especially loved her children. They became my children, and for that reason, I'll never regret marrying her. But, ultimately, we did not have true love. We did not have a firm foundation to build on. Our past experiences were hugely different. I thought I could fix her problems, and I was needed, and that's where the attraction came from. Ultimately, we separated and divorced.
At that point, I was thoroughly convinced that I was broken. I was a two time loser. I was incapable of experiencing true love: love of and from God, or love of and from a woman. Who would ever want me?
Then I was invited to church, and I felt a strong need to go. I went, and I enjoyed it, and I continued going. But those same old doubts started creeping up. People raised their hands in the air when they sang. People shouted Amen when they heard something that moved them. People were demonstrative with their faith, and it made me uncomfortable. I didn't feel a compulsion to do any of those things. Why not? I was convinced it was because I was broken. I believed in God, but I didn't REALLY believe. If I REALLY believed and were capable of REALLY feeling love, I would feel compelled to do those things, right?
And then there was this woman who liked me.... I just knew I wouldn't be capable of loving her. All kinds of things made me try to keep her at arm's length. We grew up together here in Shelbyville. I didn't want to "settle" for a girl from my hometown. She had three children of her own. I didn't want to go down that route again. I didn't want to confuse caring about her children with loving her. Because of my hang-ups, we had our issues. I hurt her by trying to spare her from the hurt of falling for someone who was broken. Fortunately, she would forgive me each time and come back around. Finally, I realized that I had feelings for her. I wanted her around. I wanted to talk to her (and it was SO easy to talk to her). SHE wanted to take care of ME. I had never felt this before. THIS was what true love felt like! I felt like my heart was going to burst. I loved her more than I could ever adequately express and for some reason, she loved me back, but, in the end, I knew I still wasn't complete.
Finally... this weekend. I have a feeling I'll continue to share bits and pieces of what happened to me this weekend, but basically, I came to the realization that God loved me, whether I did or not. God was with me, whether I realized it or not. God created me, and God did not create something that was broken, or couldn't be saved.
A scripture passage was mentioned this weekend and I felt compelled to look it up. Romans 12:3: "For by the grace given to me I say to everyone among you not to think of himself more highly than he ought to think, but to think with sober judgment, each according to the measure of faith that God has assigned."
But I didn't stop there. I read on. Romans 12:4-8: "For as in one body we have many members, and the members do not all have the same function, so we, though many, are one body in Christ, and individually members one of another. Having gifts that differ according to the grace given to us, let us use them: if prophecy, in proportion to our faith; if service, in our serving; the one who teaches, in his teaching; the one who exhorts, in his exhortation; the one who contributes, in generosity; the one who leads, with zeal; the one who does acts of mercy, with cheerfulness."
I returned to Romans 12:3-8 many, many times over the weekend. I finally realized that it was ok to be myself. It was ok not to feel compelled to raise my hands to God while singing. It was ok not to feel compelled to shout Amen during sermons. I have a role to play in God's plan just by being myself and following the path God has planned for me.
I thought a lot about my dad this weekend as well. My dad didn't sing in church. I think he felt like his singing voice was too bad. Or maybe he just didn't like to sing. I never thought to ask him. He wasn't, I don't think, overly demonstrative about his love of Christ (not to imply that he wasn't demonstrative at all). He had a quiet strength of compassion and he lived a Godly life. When he passed, over 800 people came to his viewing and funeral. 800! And those were just the ones who were able to make it. How many more weren't able to come? He touched so many lives that it boggles my mind. And how many lives did those people go on to touch?
God wants to use every one of us. And He's given us all different talents, all of which can be used to further His goals. I finally figured out this weekend to let go of my self doubts. God made me the way I am. He planned a path for my life. It may have taken me 40 years to get on that path (or maybe I was on His path all along?), but I'm here now, and I'm determined to make the most of it. With the love and support of my God, along with the love and support of Alecia, I can do anything! I don't know where God's taking me, but I'm excited to begin! One thing's for sure....
I'm NOT broken!
For a very long time, I thought I was broken. I thought there was something seriously wrong with me. I was raised in the church, but I didn't know God. Not on a personal level. People talked about loving God and Jesus and I didn't have a clue what they were talking about. Or at least, I knew I didn't feel the love they were talking about.
So, I went looking for love... And married the first girl that expressed any kind of love towards me... At the ripe old age of 20. There were problems from the start, and it was no surprise when our marriage failed four years later.
I rebounded and jumped into another relationship. I loved her, and I especially loved her children. They became my children, and for that reason, I'll never regret marrying her. But, ultimately, we did not have true love. We did not have a firm foundation to build on. Our past experiences were hugely different. I thought I could fix her problems, and I was needed, and that's where the attraction came from. Ultimately, we separated and divorced.
At that point, I was thoroughly convinced that I was broken. I was a two time loser. I was incapable of experiencing true love: love of and from God, or love of and from a woman. Who would ever want me?
Then I was invited to church, and I felt a strong need to go. I went, and I enjoyed it, and I continued going. But those same old doubts started creeping up. People raised their hands in the air when they sang. People shouted Amen when they heard something that moved them. People were demonstrative with their faith, and it made me uncomfortable. I didn't feel a compulsion to do any of those things. Why not? I was convinced it was because I was broken. I believed in God, but I didn't REALLY believe. If I REALLY believed and were capable of REALLY feeling love, I would feel compelled to do those things, right?
And then there was this woman who liked me.... I just knew I wouldn't be capable of loving her. All kinds of things made me try to keep her at arm's length. We grew up together here in Shelbyville. I didn't want to "settle" for a girl from my hometown. She had three children of her own. I didn't want to go down that route again. I didn't want to confuse caring about her children with loving her. Because of my hang-ups, we had our issues. I hurt her by trying to spare her from the hurt of falling for someone who was broken. Fortunately, she would forgive me each time and come back around. Finally, I realized that I had feelings for her. I wanted her around. I wanted to talk to her (and it was SO easy to talk to her). SHE wanted to take care of ME. I had never felt this before. THIS was what true love felt like! I felt like my heart was going to burst. I loved her more than I could ever adequately express and for some reason, she loved me back, but, in the end, I knew I still wasn't complete.
Finally... this weekend. I have a feeling I'll continue to share bits and pieces of what happened to me this weekend, but basically, I came to the realization that God loved me, whether I did or not. God was with me, whether I realized it or not. God created me, and God did not create something that was broken, or couldn't be saved.
A scripture passage was mentioned this weekend and I felt compelled to look it up. Romans 12:3: "For by the grace given to me I say to everyone among you not to think of himself more highly than he ought to think, but to think with sober judgment, each according to the measure of faith that God has assigned."
But I didn't stop there. I read on. Romans 12:4-8: "For as in one body we have many members, and the members do not all have the same function, so we, though many, are one body in Christ, and individually members one of another. Having gifts that differ according to the grace given to us, let us use them: if prophecy, in proportion to our faith; if service, in our serving; the one who teaches, in his teaching; the one who exhorts, in his exhortation; the one who contributes, in generosity; the one who leads, with zeal; the one who does acts of mercy, with cheerfulness."
I returned to Romans 12:3-8 many, many times over the weekend. I finally realized that it was ok to be myself. It was ok not to feel compelled to raise my hands to God while singing. It was ok not to feel compelled to shout Amen during sermons. I have a role to play in God's plan just by being myself and following the path God has planned for me.
I thought a lot about my dad this weekend as well. My dad didn't sing in church. I think he felt like his singing voice was too bad. Or maybe he just didn't like to sing. I never thought to ask him. He wasn't, I don't think, overly demonstrative about his love of Christ (not to imply that he wasn't demonstrative at all). He had a quiet strength of compassion and he lived a Godly life. When he passed, over 800 people came to his viewing and funeral. 800! And those were just the ones who were able to make it. How many more weren't able to come? He touched so many lives that it boggles my mind. And how many lives did those people go on to touch?
God wants to use every one of us. And He's given us all different talents, all of which can be used to further His goals. I finally figured out this weekend to let go of my self doubts. God made me the way I am. He planned a path for my life. It may have taken me 40 years to get on that path (or maybe I was on His path all along?), but I'm here now, and I'm determined to make the most of it. With the love and support of my God, along with the love and support of Alecia, I can do anything! I don't know where God's taking me, but I'm excited to begin! One thing's for sure....
I'm NOT broken!
God is Beyond Good
As is often the case with notes like this, I don't know where to start. It's almost 4 am, and I've been lying awake for well over an hour now. But don't feel bad for me. There's a very good reason I'm awake.
For those who don't know, I attended a spiritual retreat this weekend. Early in our relationship, Alecia told me that she wanted me to attend this retreat. She felt in her heart that it would be a good experience for me. Without hesitation (initially), I said I would do it. I told her I didn't know what it would be like or what would be asked of me, but, if it was important to her, I would do it. I told her I trusted her.
As this weekend drew nearer, I began to worry some. I really didn't know what I was getting into, and it made me nervous. Alecia didn't help much, joking about how we'd all be wearing robes and that, somewhere along the way, I'd have to sacrifice a goat. Jokingly, I said to her one day, "You realize that I'm trusting you, and our entire future together rests on this weekend, don't you?" I had no idea how true that was.
A little background for those who haven't read some of my older notes. About a year and a half ago, after a twenty year absence, I started going back to church. I felt in my heart that it was something I needed to do. People were put in my path to lead me along this journey (Tiffany, Keeley, Del, among others). I wrote at the time that I felt I needed to understand and feel God's love before I could ever find earthly true love. Again, I had no idea how true that was. Just not in the way I expected.
Then, just over six months ago, God spoke to my heart and said, "Hey, stupid! You know that great friend from high school that likes you? Have you ever thought about the fact that, maybe, just maybe, I put her back in your life for a reason? You might want to consider kissing her before it's too late, stupid." (Yes, He kept calling me stupid, just to help drive the message home.)
And I fell in love. Hard. It's been six months like none other in my life. I can honestly say, I'm 40 years old and I had NO idea. None. Nada. (I know, God, I'm a little slow and thick headed in the love department.)
Finally, this weekend. It would be impossible to describe everything that happened to me this weekend, but I'll try to get enough down to make sense. You see, I'd been going to church and I believed, but in my heart I knew that I hadn't accepted Christ. I had doubts. Doubts about scripture. Doubts about myself. Doubts about whether or not I'd ever come to know Christ. As my mom has told me, I'm a thinker, and I think too much. I was waiting for what I call an "Ah hah!" moment. One where God's love would fill me and I would feel compelled to accept Christ. As this weekend approached, I was hoping I'd have that "Ah hah!" moment. (Did I mention that I think too much?)
At one point this weekend, we were offered the opportunity to give our burdens to God. To give away the thing that stood between us and a better relationship with God. I thought to myself, "This is it. The Ah hah! moment." I thought about what I needed to give up (shocker!) and decided to ask God to take my doubts. So I did and..... nothing. No moment, still doubts.
Later that night, we were given the opportunity to dedicate or re-dedicate our lives to Christ. A lot had happened up to that point that I won't go into right now, but I did finally feel that this was something I needed and wanted to do. So I went forward and I told one of the clergy that I wanted to accept Christ and dedicate my life to Him. As we knelt to pray, I thought again, "This is the Ah hah! moment." He asked me if I knew what I was doing (essentially), and we prayed. And...... nothing. I began to think that I had just made a huge mistake and basically lied to God. That I wasn't ready. But, as I was leaving the sanctuary to go get ice cream (because who doesn't want ice cream after being saved?), I realized that I felt lighter. And, as I ate my ice cream with everyone else, I realized I was happy. And calm. And at peace. And loved. As several people said during the course of the weekend, God works in His own time. I don't think He gave me an "Ah hah! moment" because He wanted me to understand that I'm on a journey and have been all my life. The journey doesn't end here with an "Ah hah!" It just kicks into overdrive at this point. I'm looking forward to the ride!
As for some of the things I said earlier, I think God has put Alecia into my life so I could catch a glimpse of how great His love is for me. God granted me true earthly love, so I could comprehend His true love. (I had been expecting it the other way around.) And then, just to kick things up a notch, God turned it around again this weekend and said, "Now that you know My love, you can truly comprehend and appreciate Alecia's love." It's an amazing and overwhelming feeling, and the primary reason I can't sleep right now.
As for our future together.... It does rest on what happened this weekend. We will be building our house upon a firm foundation, upon The Rock, and nothing will be able to tear it down.
I love you, Alecia, more than I will ever be able to adequately express in words or actions. And, try as I will, nothing I will ever give you or do for you will match the love you have shown me or the gift that you gave me by sponsoring me this weekend. You have saved me, so that He could save me.
God is beyond good!
For those who don't know, I attended a spiritual retreat this weekend. Early in our relationship, Alecia told me that she wanted me to attend this retreat. She felt in her heart that it would be a good experience for me. Without hesitation (initially), I said I would do it. I told her I didn't know what it would be like or what would be asked of me, but, if it was important to her, I would do it. I told her I trusted her.
As this weekend drew nearer, I began to worry some. I really didn't know what I was getting into, and it made me nervous. Alecia didn't help much, joking about how we'd all be wearing robes and that, somewhere along the way, I'd have to sacrifice a goat. Jokingly, I said to her one day, "You realize that I'm trusting you, and our entire future together rests on this weekend, don't you?" I had no idea how true that was.
A little background for those who haven't read some of my older notes. About a year and a half ago, after a twenty year absence, I started going back to church. I felt in my heart that it was something I needed to do. People were put in my path to lead me along this journey (Tiffany, Keeley, Del, among others). I wrote at the time that I felt I needed to understand and feel God's love before I could ever find earthly true love. Again, I had no idea how true that was. Just not in the way I expected.
Then, just over six months ago, God spoke to my heart and said, "Hey, stupid! You know that great friend from high school that likes you? Have you ever thought about the fact that, maybe, just maybe, I put her back in your life for a reason? You might want to consider kissing her before it's too late, stupid." (Yes, He kept calling me stupid, just to help drive the message home.)
And I fell in love. Hard. It's been six months like none other in my life. I can honestly say, I'm 40 years old and I had NO idea. None. Nada. (I know, God, I'm a little slow and thick headed in the love department.)
Finally, this weekend. It would be impossible to describe everything that happened to me this weekend, but I'll try to get enough down to make sense. You see, I'd been going to church and I believed, but in my heart I knew that I hadn't accepted Christ. I had doubts. Doubts about scripture. Doubts about myself. Doubts about whether or not I'd ever come to know Christ. As my mom has told me, I'm a thinker, and I think too much. I was waiting for what I call an "Ah hah!" moment. One where God's love would fill me and I would feel compelled to accept Christ. As this weekend approached, I was hoping I'd have that "Ah hah!" moment. (Did I mention that I think too much?)
At one point this weekend, we were offered the opportunity to give our burdens to God. To give away the thing that stood between us and a better relationship with God. I thought to myself, "This is it. The Ah hah! moment." I thought about what I needed to give up (shocker!) and decided to ask God to take my doubts. So I did and..... nothing. No moment, still doubts.
Later that night, we were given the opportunity to dedicate or re-dedicate our lives to Christ. A lot had happened up to that point that I won't go into right now, but I did finally feel that this was something I needed and wanted to do. So I went forward and I told one of the clergy that I wanted to accept Christ and dedicate my life to Him. As we knelt to pray, I thought again, "This is the Ah hah! moment." He asked me if I knew what I was doing (essentially), and we prayed. And...... nothing. I began to think that I had just made a huge mistake and basically lied to God. That I wasn't ready. But, as I was leaving the sanctuary to go get ice cream (because who doesn't want ice cream after being saved?), I realized that I felt lighter. And, as I ate my ice cream with everyone else, I realized I was happy. And calm. And at peace. And loved. As several people said during the course of the weekend, God works in His own time. I don't think He gave me an "Ah hah! moment" because He wanted me to understand that I'm on a journey and have been all my life. The journey doesn't end here with an "Ah hah!" It just kicks into overdrive at this point. I'm looking forward to the ride!
As for some of the things I said earlier, I think God has put Alecia into my life so I could catch a glimpse of how great His love is for me. God granted me true earthly love, so I could comprehend His true love. (I had been expecting it the other way around.) And then, just to kick things up a notch, God turned it around again this weekend and said, "Now that you know My love, you can truly comprehend and appreciate Alecia's love." It's an amazing and overwhelming feeling, and the primary reason I can't sleep right now.
As for our future together.... It does rest on what happened this weekend. We will be building our house upon a firm foundation, upon The Rock, and nothing will be able to tear it down.
I love you, Alecia, more than I will ever be able to adequately express in words or actions. And, try as I will, nothing I will ever give you or do for you will match the love you have shown me or the gift that you gave me by sponsoring me this weekend. You have saved me, so that He could save me.
God is beyond good!
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